Hey there! Long time no talk! I decided to reach out to friends today, and that included you. Hope you're having a great day!

This is a new one. I was buying some headphones online and the store has an option to leave a tip. 🙃

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn't gonna be a good day for you

(credit: @ArfMeasures)

Found on craigslist free stuff:



🫡

I joined Mastodon 🐘 and suddenly I have an urge to start posting shit again. I give it three months, tops. Just like last time. 😅😭

It finally happened. 👴🏽👓 I hope you're happy.

I wonder if other people secretly hate me the way I secretly hate then?

Nope. I was wrong.

OK, this is it. I'm coming back.

I swear, you can't make this up. I just saw a Prius with a sticker that said:

Cool Prius
- Nobody

and right next to it there was a Hummer H2 with this vanity plate:

1COOOL H2

Make of that situation what you will.